Well, Internets, another Election Day in the US has come and gone, and we inch ever closer to seeing broadcast networks cover our electoral process with the same feverish and breathless enthusiasm/shock/voyeurism they once saved only for natural disasters. Coincidence? I think not!Now that the political lay of the land appears even more chaotic and dysfunctional than it was just a few days ago, in terms of the US being able to mount anything that remotely resembles a government that actually, you know, GOVERNS, here are my suggestions for improving our political process.
1) Voting should take place over a period of weeks, beginning with Halloween and ending with Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving). No, children, you will not be out of school that entire time.
2) All credit card activity is forbidden until you vote. So, if you wait until Black Friday to vote, then you can’t buy anything until you have voted. Oh, you were planning to pay with “cash”? You mean, like, Monopoly Money? You are even funnier than people said you were. No, really!
3) Each candidate is allowed 5 total minutes of broadcast advertising over the course of their campaign. That is all.
4) All campaign advertisements shown on TV must feature either Betty White or Michael Caine. That is all.
5) All campaign advertisements played on the radio must feature the voices of either Homer or Marge Simpson. That is all.
6) All campaign advertisements distributed through print media or Internet must feature puppies or kittens. That is all.
7) All promotional photos of candidates and their families must show them dressed in identical Star Trek uniforms. This is our nation’s future we’re talking about. We need to see how our candidates and their families will look in the future.
8) All debates will include every candidate for each position. There will be no more than three debates per election per position. Each candidate must speak into a bullhorn. The audience will be allowed to make a ruckus, like in the House of Commons, but the only words audience members can say are “rhubarb” and “watermelon.” Candidates who do not have the floor can join the audience in saying either “rhubarb” or “watermelon.” The Ghost of Chuck Barris will moderate all debates, and the end of a candidate’s allotted time will be signaled by the hitting of a large gong. That is all.
9) The word “mandate” will hereby only be used to refer to two men going on a date.
10) The word “referendum” will hereby only be used to refer to a bad call made by a sports official.
11) The word “movement” must always be preceded by the word “bowel,” thereby putting it on track for extinction by 2012.
12) Candidates may only accept up to $1000 from external sources, while spending up to only $1000 of their own money.
13) Candidates may only receive money from their external sources by standing outside with a cup in their hand, shaking said cup, and repeatedly muttering “Running for [insert elective office here]. Spare a quarter?”
That is all (for now). Please add your own suggestions in the Comments section. But I’m warning you, if I don’t think it’s funny, or if I don’t agree with it, I’m going to delete it. You may argue that you don’t think any of these are funny. You may be right. You may ask yourself “Where does that highway lead to?” Indeed.