Votepocalypse 2010!!!

Well, Internets, another Election Day in the US has come and gone, and we inch ever closer to seeing broadcast networks cover our electoral process with the same feverish and breathless enthusiasm/shock/voyeurism they once saved only for natural disasters. Coincidence? I think not!

Walt Kelly's prophecy

Now that the political lay of the land appears even more chaotic and dysfunctional than it was just a few days ago, in terms of the US being able to mount anything that remotely resembles a government that actually, you know, GOVERNS, here are my suggestions for improving our political process.

1) Voting should take place over a period of weeks, beginning with Halloween and ending with Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving). No, children, you will not be out of school that entire time.

2) All credit card activity is forbidden until you vote. So, if you wait until Black Friday to vote, then you can’t buy anything until you have voted. Oh, you were planning to pay with “cash”? You mean, like, Monopoly Money? You are even funnier than people said you were. No, really!

3) Each candidate is allowed 5 total minutes of broadcast advertising over the course of their campaign. That is all.

4) All campaign advertisements shown on TV must feature either Betty White or Michael Caine. That is all.

5) All campaign advertisements played on the radio must feature the voices of either Homer or Marge Simpson. That is all.

6) All campaign advertisements distributed through print media or Internet must feature puppies or kittens. That is all.

7) All promotional photos of candidates and their families must show them dressed in identical Star Trek uniforms. This is our nation’s future we’re talking about. We need to see how our candidates and their families will look in the future.

8) All debates will include every candidate for each position. There will be no more than three debates per election per position. Each candidate must speak into a bullhorn. The audience will be allowed to make a ruckus, like in the House of Commons, but the only words audience members can say are “rhubarb” and “watermelon.” Candidates who do not have the floor can join the audience in saying either “rhubarb” or “watermelon.” The Ghost of Chuck Barris will moderate all debates, and the end of a candidate’s allotted time will be signaled by the hitting of a large gong. That is all.

9) The word “mandate” will hereby only be used to refer to two men going on a date.

10) The word “referendum” will hereby only be used to refer to a bad call made by a sports official.

11) The word “movement” must always be preceded by the word “bowel,” thereby putting it on track for extinction by 2012.

12) Candidates may only accept up to $1000 from external sources, while spending up to only $1000 of their own money.

13) Candidates may only receive money from their external sources by standing outside with a cup in their hand, shaking said cup, and repeatedly muttering “Running for [insert elective office here]. Spare a quarter?”

That is all (for now). Please add your own suggestions in the Comments section. But I’m warning you, if I don’t think it’s funny, or if I don’t agree with it, I’m going to delete it. You may argue that you don’t think any of these are funny. You may be right. You may ask yourself “Where does that highway lead to?” Indeed.

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19 responses to “Votepocalypse 2010!!!

  1. Each candidate will, at all times during all three debates, wear a large costume head of his or her college’s or university’s mascot (I call this the Lee Corso rule). That is all.

    Seriously, these are brilliant. I wish I lived someplace where these were in fact the law of the land.

    • Oh very nicely done, Martin. I would add: Any candidate who did not attend college or university must wear a brown paper bag over her/his head. Any candidate who attended more than one college or university must wear a large costume head of EACH college or university s/he attended.

  2. You and Grant in competition today? Have you read his musings. I think you are both on the right track. You should both run for office!!!

  3. marcia bird-werntz

    Loved it, Joy! Can we count on you to run for office sometime soon? I’ll vote for you. Great job!

    • If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve. Unless, of course, the position of Jester is added to a slate. I’ll nominate myself for that, if only for the cool shoes and matching hat!

  4. I’m so grateful for my privileged, head-in-the-sand position of living in a district that reelected Barney Frank to Congress and Deval Patrick to the State House. I have no TV, I don’t listen to commercial radio, I don’t read a newspaper — and yet, even I was harrangued by the recent goings-on. It must sneak into the water supply. Hope everyone watched the Steven Colbert youtube clip, Gay or Short. If not, watch it now. The best man won. Thank heaven! When YOU get around to running, Joy, you’ve got my vote, hands down. For anything — any office you want. Even one you don’t want. Why weren’t you on staff of the rally for sanity — why don’t you send these rules to Jon Stewart? Why don’t I shut up now?

  5. re 8, may I intersperse ‘Rhubarb, Rhubarb’ with ‘Soda Water Siphon’?–that’s the way we always did it back home.
    And, may we have a pointer to Grant’s post?

  6. Ditto! You and Grant so aptly stated what I wish I had said. Where do we go now??

  7. All candidates running for Federal Offices will ‘fess up to any and all violations of any of the laws of this nation, and of every State of his/her residence, from birth to election day. Each confessing moment is to be filled with misty-eyed humility/sincerity while performing a heartfelt rendition of “God Bless America,” and culminating in a solemn promise to defend the U.S. Constitution from any and all attacks on it by the Roberts Supreme Court, Congress, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, the Liberal Media, and the Taliban.

    • Pops, you set me up for another rule which I had in an earlier draft and somehow lost track of during the editing process. The only person permitted to utter the words “God Bless America” is Ethel Merman, and she may only sing it. If it is determined that Ms. Merman is deceased, recordings of her singing the phrase “God Bless America” may be substituted. That is all.

  8. Anyone can be a candidate, but they must be able to literally throw their hat into a ring. If a potential candidate fails to land their hat in the ring, they are banned from running again for a period not to exceed 25 years. Extra points to candidates who can effect a jaunty Mary Tyler Moore tam-toss.

  9. That can’t be all! I especially love regulation 9 – mandate!

  10. I’d nominate “rutabaga” as the nonsense, crowd word — it’s what we used in highschool plays. And there’s always the time-honored church-receiving-line “Haddock and cod, 29 cents a pound,” but that can only be delivered while shaking a haddock-and-cod-like limp and maybe slightly damp hand.

  11. May I make a suggestion for after the candidate is elected? Each elected official will listen to and implement suggestions from their constituents. And they will cease to bullheadedly block the creation of laws which benefit ordinary people in this country. (I live in Arizona. Enough said!)

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